http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/09/02/caylee.missing.ap/index.html
:(
I’ve been avoiding this story. I want to think that God has a plan for us, which is why we are on the path we are on. So, when stories like this come out, someone will say that they can’t understand why we can’t get pregant, but others can reproduce just fine. Again, God has a plan for us, right??!!! I can’t help but to start thinking like the ones who point out the ones reproducing, especially when it came out that the person who gave birth to Caylee (can hardly call her a mom, can I) wanted to give her up for adoption, and the grandmother wouldn’t let her. AACK!! I just can’t look at her picture she’s so precious!!
That is what is so frustrating about the situation that Adam and I are in. There are so many children in the
In the State of
1. Become a Foser parent and wait for the courts to do their thing. That is definitely the least expensive way to do it (not that children should come with a price tag, but face it, if you are not going to have children the old fashioned way, you are going to pay a fee). What happens is that a child is removed from their home because their parents are suspected of abuse or neglect, and you care for that child until the parents straighten out, or until the courts take the rights away? It can take years. IF the parent at any time changes their mind and wants the kid and goes to a parenting class, that child is out of your home and back in their arms.
Call me a wimp, but we don’t want to bond with a child only to have the child taken away, and I don’t think I can have a child in my care very long without bonding. Foster parents are way better people than we are. Too many times have we heard of Foster parents thinking they are going to adopt the child and then either thanks to mom changing her mind at the last minute, or the appeal courts ruling, that child, who has been in your home for YEARS in many instances, is snatched away from you. In many instances, you might be the only parents that child has ever known.
I personally know of people who this has happened to. I have also read court precedents of the same. Let me share a few of these with you…
First story - This was right out of Missouri Lawyer’s Weekly a year ago. Woman had some mental problems and had a child who had complications right after birth. The state figured mom could not handle the child and put her in foster care. Mom from the beginning fought to get her child back, first by getting on the right combination of medication that diminished her mental problems. Long story short, the child probably should not have been taken away in the first place. However, the foster parents had the child for SIX YEARS before the appeals court ruled and the child was snatched away from the only parents she knew and handed to her bio mom, who she hardly knew. While I think legally the right thing was done, I would have hated to be in the shoes of the foster parent.
Second story - Adam had a technician who was a foster mother. She had two sisters in her care, and she was hoping she could adopt them. I know their bio mom was mentally unbalanced, but I don’t know if she was a drug addict or anything like that. Anyway, the bio mom decided she didn’t want to give her kids up, so she started going to parenting classes. Soon, the kids were allowed overnight visits with their bio mom. On the night of one of those visits, the bio mom put a pillow over one of the little girls’ heads and held it until she stopped breathing and died. Only then was the technician able to adopt the other girl - it went through with no problem.
I have heard of stories with happy endings. However, I have heard of more instances where the ending was not so happy - there are more stories I can tell, but I won’t overdo it here. Now, for the second way one can adopt domestically.
2. Go through an agency. Can be as expensive or less expensive than international adoption. The idea is that the bio mom giving her child up contacts the agency. The agency lets her pick from the prospective parents who will adopt her child. The adoption is usually open, which means we would continue to have some sort of contact with the bio mom - and it’s up to the bio mom how much contact that is. First of all, Adam and I don’t want to market ourselves as parents. Biological parents don’t have to market themselves to have children, we shouldn’t have to either. Further, I’m not so sure I like the idea of an open adoption. I’m all for our children finding out who their bio parents are when they are older, but the idea of constant contact with the bio mom doesn’t sit right with me. What if after it is all said and done and she changes her mind? She has our address. Scary.
Further, while the bio mom has 48 hours after birth to change her mind (which is also scary enough) and the bio dad in
3. Go through a lawyer. Pretty much the same as #2 but much more expensive.
Now, for every bad story, there is a good story. There are successful, and happy, domestic adoptions. However there is a heck of a lot of risk, and Adam and I discussed and prayed about it and we knew we couldn’t handle it going south on us.
Even worse, we’ve personally experienced seeing a child who should be removed, but won’t be. A while back, we had the opportunity to try to get custody of a little girl who is living in a home with a history of abuse. We do not know if she is currently being abused, but her mom, brother, step brothers and step sisters was abused and even molested in the home, and the abusers (grandparents) have physical custody of the little girl. Adam and I even sat down with a highly recommended adoption lawyer to find out what we needed to do, and the answer was nothing. Long story short, there was no proof she was being abused now, even with others coming forward with their experience. Therefore, the state would be reluctant to remove her. We think about her all the time. It tears us up that there is nothing we can do, but sit and wait and pray that one day she comes to us, and no matter what, we will make room for her when she does.
We may be the most advanced civilization in the world, but our social services are awful.
Then there are other heartaches. About a year ago, we were told of a 12 year old who was pregnant with twins. We passed our contact information to the parents of the 12 year old. At about the time they were going to call us about possibly adopting the twins through a private adoption, the girl miscarried.
Yep, we are taking it the easy way. We are paying a nominal amount of money, allowed a social worker determine we are fit to be parents, allowed ourselves to be fingerprinted by the federal government, and one day a picture accompanyed with a report will show up telling us who our children will be. A few weeks later, someone goes to court for us. When we leave the
We all know that there have been some unhappy international adoptions. Actually we do know of a couple Ethiopian adoptions that didn’t go through like it should have - one from our agency, and another on someone else’s blog and from that person it was second hand. One was the person adopting’s fault, and the other was no one’s fault. However, the vast majority of the horror stories we have heard, whether in person from the one who experienced it, or read in the paper or adoption sites, have not come from
Now I’m expecting someone is going to comment that I don’t have to explain all of this to everyone or share our experiences that led to our decision. I don’t, though if it answers any questions you had and were afraid to ask, then it’s all the better. We’re looking at it that one day, our children are going to read this. They have a right to know what led to our decision.
For now, I just pray for the impossible that Caylee is found safe and sound.